What Travel Taught Me About Body Hair, Pleasure, And Hookup Culture

“Do you masturbate?”

he asked me. A group of boys were going around to lunch tables and asking everyone else.

My 7^th grade self was embarrassed by the existence of the question. “Ew, no.” I hoped that he couldn’t see the flush red sweep across my face as obviously as I could feel it. Sadly, shame continued to be part of my experience until I was able to find agency over my own sexuality –  thanks to travel.

The thing is, though, that we don’t automatically learn how to identify, awaken, or mold agency over our bodies and sexuality over night. It’s different for everyone, and many people experience and hold trauma around this topic. Up until my last cross-country trip, I dug into many of the traumas that I hold around sexuality—especially being female. As I think back on these issues — body hair, self pleasure, and “hooking up” — I’ve really only heard men talk about them.

What I was programmed to think was:

It’s OK for men to have body hair; it even enhances their masculinity.

It’s OK for men to very nonchalantly talk and crack jokes about masturbation, at any given time, because “they’re guys”.

It’s OK for men to experience their sexuality with different people; I might even venture as far to say that it’s encouraged as a part of “becoming a man.”

Although I do surround myself with a group of people who are working to dismantle all of these dangerous thought patterns and conditions placed on us by society, traveling to new places has shown me that these thought patterns still do exist, within myself and the broader culture. And they’re very much alive.

How can we begin to break them down and turn our thoughts into positive — or at least neutral ones — instead?

Women And Body Hair

When I biked (parts of) the TransAmerica Trail, going from Virginia to California, I couldn’t bring all my daily luxury items with me. I needed space for more important things. At first, I tried to pack everything that I thought was important to my visual presentation, including my disposable razor.

I had never, at any point in my life, stopped to check in and see if I actually wanted to shave my body hair. No one had taught me to reflect on this part of presentation or ponder why, as a culture, we’re so obsessed with females having no hair under their arms or on their legs. Everyone had shamed the question, actually. I had the mentality that only the “dirty hippies” didn’t shave.

It had never crossed my mind that, (get ready for this!), my body was my personal vessel and that I got to CHOOSE exactly how I wanted to present—or not present—my body. My body my body my body.

hair

if it was not supposed to be there

would not be growing

on our bodies in the first place

-we are at war with what comes most naturally to us

rupi kaur

What a thought, that being feminine and having body hair might not be wrong. What a thought, that I could be as feminine as I ever was and have hair underneath my arms. What a thought, that I didn’t have to shave religiously before every first date. What a thought, that I didn’t have to take the time removing something natural from my body—if I chose not to.

removing all the hair

off your body is okay

if that’s what you want to do

just as much as keeping all the hair

on your body is okay

if that’s what you want to do

 – You belong only to yourself

rupi kaur

Once I started covering more miles on the road by bicycle, I literally had to ditch bags full of items because they were so heavy. I realized (thanks to lack of access to opportunities to shave) that my body hair really didn’t bother me.

I had one worry, though, when throwing my razor away: what if I had a sexual experience with someone? Would I be presentable?

I felt that I had to shave my body beforehand or else they would think my body was gross—but I decided to cross that bridge when I got to it. Through meeting different partners, having different conversations and being introduced to new ideas on the road, I came to a new conclusion: I didn’t have to feel shame around having body hair, or keeping it. When I sat and really thought about it, did having hair under my armpit (or anywhere else) really change my experience dramatically?

It did and did not.

The literal fact of having armpit hair did not make me any less feminine, any “dirtier” (dirtier being used with a negative, containing less value connotation) of a person. What it did, though, was help me find some agency with my body. And that changed how I interacted with myself, and others.

When it comes to body hair and sexuality I learned that: If I choose to engage sexually with someone while existing with my body hair in its full, I can. And there is no shame around that. Their reaction to body hair is a good indictor for me whether they’re someone I’d actually like to be around or not.

This is something that I truly didn’t understand until I started to ask myself questions and search for real answers. It wasn’t until I was traveling that I decided to claim my body and present it how I wanted. The people that I met traveling had explored these questions for themselves already, and I found a space where I didn’t experience shame around body hair in presentation or sexuality when engaging with them (what a relief!).

the next time he

points out the

hair on your legs is

growing back remind

that boy your body

is not his home

he is a guest

warn him to

never outstep

his welcome

again

rupi kaur

Female Masturbation & Self-Pleasure

What do body hair and masturbation have in common? They’re both spaces where we can directly participate in claiming bodily agency.

When I feel back through time, I send support to my 7^th grade self. Why was I so ashamed of this simple question? Because society told me that I should be.

In 7^th grade, many boys talked about masturbation all the time. (This is not to say that they didn’t experience shame around their sexuallity, but their shame did not appear to be the same shame that others experienced.) They joked about it and laughed like it wasn’t a big deal. They knew that they were allowed to do it, talk about it, and more importantly—that it was acceptable for them.

Young girls, females, and non-gender conforming people did not handle the subject of masturbation or pleasure in general in this way. I watched as girls were grossed out and completely unconnected with the idea of their bodies existing as a vessel in which to enjoy and experience life for themselves.

What truly grosses me out is the idea that it is acceptable for one gender to explore their body (and all of its wonderful and pleasurable functions) and not for others.

When I started to ask more questions of if I was allowed to participate in having body hair and practice masturbation (especially as much as men), I became more aligned and comfortable with my body. This allowed me to share my truth easier, which leads to a fuller connection with others.

Travel, to me, has always held a space for exploration, learning, and growth. The people that I’ve engaged with while on the road have provoked my curiosity, encouraged me to try new things, and been supportive to me as I explore things on my own.

To be honest, sharing about topics like this is still hard for me. I’m still exploring these questions of agency myself. I’m still learning how to be authentic, undomesticated, and truthful in a society that would love for me to do just the opposite. I’m still solidifying the feelings that I have every right to this space as anyone else.

I am looking to create a world where, as funny or not important as it sounds, we don’t experience shame around how much body hair we do or don’t have. I am working to create a world where self-pleasure and exploration—especially for the femme— can be explored deeply and fully. And I’m creating a world where we can explore these questions openly and together.

Hook Up Travel Culture

While we’re working on that, it’s also important to look at how we talk about our sexual interactions with others—or if we do it at all. My first feeling around the phrase “hooking up” is that it feels quick, shallow and only there for fun. (And something being “just for fun” is OK, too!)

“Hooking up generally refers to having sex, however, many others indicated that when they say hooking up they are referring to something less than intercourse. In a hookup culture, young people often have little experience with dating and developing romantic relationships.”

Hookup culture – Wikipedia

I want to change how we think about/understand this phrase, though. I’m using this term with undefined edges. Hooking up, to me, can mean anything from quick interactions to long, continued experiences. Both are valuable and can be fufilling and even healing in different ways.

I want to elaborate to point out that a “quick interaction” does not mean that the experience wasn’t meaningful or didn’t inspire change in us, because everything can and does. We can speak to someone that we’ve never met before for three minutes, and what they’ve shared with us can give a perspective that changes us forever. In the same way, we can have experiences—no matter the amount of time or intensity—that are significant to our lives as well.

At times I’ve learned more from investing in someone for a week than I have from investing in someone for a year before. My point is: We can work to undo shame around connecting sexually with others, regardless of the time spent or the level of commitment and intimacy.

I am working to undo my shame that I usually experience around engaging sexually with others, especially as a female. Travel has helped me do that.

While traveling, I’ve met a variety of people that have so many different things to offer. When I started engaging with people that I wanted to (hooking up) I learned more about myself and the world around me.

There is no magic number as to how many humans it’s considered ethical or morally acceptable to hook up with. There is no right or wrong. There is you, your experiences, and how you feel about them. There is you, and you can honor yourself though self-care and exploration. You can honor yourself through new experiences and connections. You can honor yourself by checking in with what you need, want, and desire.

Before I traveled cross-country last year, I didn’t realize that I was putting my own desires in relationship to my body, physicality, and sexuality in the backseat. I was letting random people profiting off of my shame and self-loathing tell me what I should look like, who I should be with, and how I should talk about these topics with others, privately or in public.

“Lock up your libraries if you like; but there is no gate, no lock, no bolt that you can set upon the freedom of my mind.”
― Virginia Woolf, A Room of One’s Own

As soon as we begin to love ourselves (as we exist right now) —  or at least feel neutral about it — we open the door to loving others as they exist. We create space to ask questions. And we find room to listen and grow.

Let your time traveling be a space to peel back layers to your own truth. Bring your findings back home. Share them with others.

the world

gives you

so much pain

and here you are

making gold out of it

– and there is nothing purer than that

               rupi kaur