A Sex Educator Answers Your Burning Questions On This Queer Sex Podcast Episode

Trigger warning: Discussion of sex, sexuality, and relationships.

While COVID19 hit around the world, millions of people found themselves quarantined inside, possibly leading to more space in their lives to practice things that they enjoy. (This is not to take away from the serious hard time that people were and still are experiencing.) You may have been making banana bread, learning a new instrument or even having new sexual experiences. Either way, we’re here today to discuss touch, self-play, or find new ideas to explore with a partner wether you’re in the middle of lockdown or not.

Many of us didn’t receive proper messaging or education around sex as children. And talking about sexuality and pleasure can be awkward and uncomfortable for most people at all ages. So to answer all of my burning questions about sex and self-pleasure, I sat down with one of my good friends who is also a sex educator during the pandemic. We turned it into a podcast episode and have it linked here for your listening convenience. You can also read all about it in the following text.

Meet Charlie, Our Sex Educator

In order to understand where the following advice is coming from, I’d like to offer a little bit of background on Charlie Sudlow-Maestas. I met Charlie years ago while traveling in California for an animal rights conference.

They are a trans and nonbinary parent to two kids. After winding up pregnant at age 17 without access to any support, resources, or assistance, Charlie became ferociously passionate about educating folks on important topics such as sexual health, boundaries and consent, radical love, and all things sex-, sexuality-, and gender-related. They believe whole-heartedly that education is the foundation to liberation which led them to join Stacy in building TNET in January of 2023.

In 2022, Charlie earned two Bachelor of Arts degrees in Women, Gender, and Sexuality Studies and Sociology, as well as a Certificate in Race and Social Justice from the University of New Mexico. They plan to continue their educational journey in graduate school.

Charlie is passionate about intersectional feminism, disability justice, and transgender issues. They co-founded a disability justice group in 2021 called Crip Liberation. In their free time, Charlie enjoys reading, making art, roller skating, volunteering, and spending time with their sweet children.

As a person being interested in liberating my own body, sexuality, and gender further, I was thrilled to have this important conversation with someone so versed and share it with whoever wants to learn more. See this post that I wrote in 2017 about body hair, masturbation, and “hooking up” on the road.

Read: From Vegan Sex Toys to Condoms: Your Guide to Sustainable Sex

Before we get into the fun stuff, let’s talk about the important stuff.

First Things First: Consent And Communication

We want to remind you that it is OK to change your mind at any time during sexual and physical experiences. Respect and know your own boundaries and the boundaries of other people. Remember that you, or your partner, can change your mind about what you want or what is happening, and express that at any time.

Consent needs to run through your entire sexual experience with all parties involved, even if that is just a party of one. For many different reasons, it may be hard for folks to speak up about what they like or saying “no”, and that is OK. A suggestion to come up with a safe word. For example, “avocado” can mean stop right now, while “banana” means “I like this but please do it softer/more carefully.” 

Why Setting Boundaries Is Important

It is also important to set containers and boundaries before and after sharing experiences. Whether you know your partner well or not, verbalizing your expectations, wants, needs, and desires ahead of time and afterward can contribute to a healthy sexual experience. Communication often gets a bad wrap for not being seen as “sexy”, but it can create space for more safety, creativity, trust, openness, intimacy, and fun. This can lead to more fulfilling sexual experiences in general. Communication is key.

So, Why Sex?

Sex that is consensual and wanted by all participants at this time can be healing, relaxing, fun, and a tool for self-care. It can help you stay connected with your partner, overcome boredom, reduce anxiety, and release those feel-good-hormones into your body. In more yogic words, it is a great way to stay grounded and check-in with your physical and emotional body.

Ideas For Queer Sex & Intimacy

I can’t speak for other folks but I can make conclusions about our society as a whole based on my impressions and experiences being a part of the world that we all share. We’re often brought up in a largely Christian, hetero, and monogamous society. Those values can sometimes lead to very harmful ideas around our very own bodies, what we choose to do with them, how we choose to enjoy them, and who we choose to enjoy them with. Often times, masturbation, sex outside of marriage, and sexual relationships with multiple partners is frowned upon. We are punished and policed when our sexual choices and actions do not align with hetero Christian values.

We’re here to switch up that thought and encourage you to look deeper into the harmful beliefs held around the topic at hand! These conversations and topics aren’t always easy or comfortable to navigate, so hold space for yourself and be compassionate. You also may not like or want sex or sexual experiences, and that is OK too. Let’s dive in!

Tips For Safe Masturbation/Solo Sex

• Respect your own boundaries, wants, and needs.
• Wash toys after use with a partner. Toys often come with washing instructions, but you can generally run them under warm water for 20 seconds with soap. Be careful with silicone and certain soaps that can be degrading.
• Store toys in a cool, dry place. Keep charged so that toys stay on while in use and ready to go when wanted.
• If using a household object as a toy, be sure to sanitize it and cover it with a condom.

Now let’s get safe and sexy with it!

Note: For trans people, touching themselves can be dysphoric, and it may feel uncomfortable for those who don’t identify with the genitals that they born with. This can be a big hurdle! Our suggestion is to try touching other places on the body that bring pleasure. It is your journey, so navigate it how you please!

Self-Exploration Ideas

Remember that you are your most important sexual partner. Make sure that you always feel safe. Self-exploration can look like many different things including penetration with a toy or finger, touching on different parts of the body without penetration, or outside stimulation.

People can often find sensual/sexual encouragement through art, movies, songs, or watching themselves or others move. Other ideas include:

• Edging: This can be done to be ready for a partner or self-obtained orgasms. It leads to stronger orgasms when/if you do decide to have one!
• Making or watching porn.
• Urethra sounding: Learn more here.
• Anal play can be a fun way to explore your body. Be sure to use lots of lube to prevent anal fissures. Starting with a finger or smaller object and work your way up from there. Anal beads can also be used!

Tips for Partner Sex

These safe-sex tips are extra important right now because abortion and other health services are not seen as essential by the government. Doctors may not be taking new patients right now and it could be harder to access safe-sex tools.

• Use a condom each time for birth control and STD protection.
• Spermicide can also be used. Note that it can mess with bacteria in the vagina leading to an increased chance of UTIs.
• Dental dams can also be used. Although we are in a time with a shortage of gloves, a dental dam can be made by cutting gloves. Learn more here.
• Lube it up! Lube is important for easy gliding and to avoid fissures.

Partner-Exploration Ideas

• Have sex in new and different positions. You can look for inspiration through movies, books, conversations, and ethical porn. (This is an issue for another day!)
• Mutual masturbation can be done with or without porn, and with a partner or friends. It can often feel weird and uncomfortable at first, so give yourself space and honesty. The comfort doesn’t come right away!
• Anal play can be fun with a trusted partner. Take it slow for the first time, use lots of lubrication, and start with smaller inserts to begin.
• Make sexy videos or have a sexy photo shoot with a partner. Take turns being the model and photographer. It can be fun to see how bodies move together or look at different angles!
• Play Truth or Dare (or other sexy games) with consent. This game can often be found at sex shops or made up as you go along. Make sure that everyone is OK with the dares and don’t pressure anyone to do anything that they don’t want to do.
• Take a hot shower/bath together. Don’t forget any wanted candles, incents, or music!
• Share kinks/ideas/interests and experiment in a safe place. Now is the time to get creative and shake off the boredom. Having conversations about your wants and desires is hard but can open up for more space, trust, fun, and intimacy.

Note: If you’re not in possession of toys and want to be, try to shop locally online and consider paying for express shipping. You deserve to be treated!

Non-Penetrative Sex Ideas & Sensual Play

Some people, (for example, sexual assault survivors and others), don’t want or like to have penetrative sex and that’s OK. You don’t have to receive penetration in order to have sex! 

• Oral can be done using the mouth to please another person. This could look very different depending on your partner.
• Kissing each other’s bodies and exploring with hands and other body parts can be a huge turn-on.
• Cuddling can be done without penetration while still getting to feel physically close to the body of another.
• Kink play can be used to discover new boundaries and edges with a partner. Kink play could include tickling, massaging, knife play, rope play, heat play, spanking, choking, ect.
• Bathing and showering together, as mentioned above, can awaken the senses while soaping up at the same time.
• Lap dances or sexy dances, in general, can be a fun or sensual way to excite yourself and please a partner.
• Dancing or doing naked yoga can be a nice way to take care of your body and set the mood with your favorite playlist or albums.

Other Possible Challenges

During the lockdown, many folks in polyamorous relationships may find it challenging to be in a confined space with their partner/s. They may not be able to see other partners or might be seeing some partners more than usual. Jealousy, needing space, and other feelings are OK. Here are some ideas for couples who are not in the same household:

• Sexting can be a fun way to stay sexually connected to a partner not in the same physical space.
• Video shares, done through Skype or Zoom, can be a possible way to experience video sex with one or multiple partners.
• Phone sex. (Yes, the good ole’ phone sex!)
• Sending nudes, as mentioned above.
• And my personal favorite: Consider sending a hand-written letter describing everything that you would like do with your partner once you see them!

Another possible challenge that folks may face is during these times (or in general) is having sex or staying physically connected with kids in the house. Charlie suggests finding and making time to connect with your partner, as short or as long as that might be, when kids are safely occupied or sleeping at night or in the morning.

How You Can Learn More

Sex and physical intimacy can be a fun, challenging, interesting, weird, and uncomfortable thing to learn more about and experiment with. We’re glad that you find yourself here, at the bottom of this post, hopefully adding some new and sexy ideas to the brain bank or feeling inspired to have more honest conversations with yourself and others about what pleases you.

Other great resources to expand more on this topic include your local sex shops, the TNET website and TNET store, Self Serve in Albuquerque, NM who currently have their incredible classes accessible via the internet, the Guys We F*cked podcast (my personal favorite!), ShrimpTeeth on Instagram, and classes and courses that can be found in your area. Have other suggestions? Leave a comment and let us know!